


Black Hole

by dabs_into_oblivion



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: F/F, F/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 05:59:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18543730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dabs_into_oblivion/pseuds/dabs_into_oblivion
Summary: Michael finally starts standing up for herself. Too bad it took a brush with death to get her there.





	Black Hole

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Persiflage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Persiflage/gifts).



> i am so, so angry at discovery for how they've treated michael this season. (i finished watching s2 earlier today.) this won't fix it, but maybe it'll help a little.

She's awake. Mom --

She sits up.

"Easy, Commander." Dr. Culber gently presses her back down onto the bed. "You're in sickbay."

Her eyes scan the room. Tilly. The captain. Spock -- she glares at him. She doesn't know what happened, but she's sure it's not good, because he's actually letting an emotion show on his face: guilt.

"You were dead for over a minute," Hugh is saying, and her eyes snap back to his face.

"The red angel," she says.

"We have her." Pike's voice is carefully neutral.

Michael begins to shake. It's too much. It's a struggle to remain calm as she says, "When she landed, I thought I saw my -- but she's me, right? She's me?"

Tilly says, "She's your mother."

"Is she conscious?" The words burst out of her like a flood, and immediately she wants to take them back. Her death must have been an inconvenience, a wrinkle in the plan, and now she's being even more of an annoyance.

But god damn it, she's had had enough of always feeling like she's not enough and she has to walk on eggshells and bend herself over backward just to get them to accept her. She's had enough of reducing who she is just to be stepped on. Using herself as bait was her own idea, and she knows how she got there -- everything has always been her fault. Except it hasn't.

"We'll let you know as soon as she is," says Pike.

He's a good man, a good captain. She wants to believe him. She just doesn't know if she can trust even herself, now.

\----------------

Later, after sickbay has released her, she sits on her bed, Tilly massaging her shoulders. The redhead won't take no for an answer, it seems, and honestly, it feels really good.

The door chimes. "Come," says Michael.

Saru enters, a box in his hands.

"Uh, I'm gonna go eat." Tilly clambers off Michael's bed, gesticulating ineffectually, and nods to Saru before leaving.

Saru sets the box on a table. Michael stands. The Kelpien meets her gaze.

"Where to begin?" he asks softly. "Michael, we have discussed my jealousy of you when we were assigned to the Shenzhou, and you felt that giving me our former captain's telescope would soften my harsh feelings toward you."

She opens her mouth. "No, I must say this. It was wrong of me to take it from you. It was wrong of Starfleet to charge you with mutiny when your actions were clearly motivated by a desire to protect your ship and the rest of the Federation. It was wrong of me to blame you, as I and others have done, for the start of the Klingon War." He blinks a few times. "And so I believe it is my duty to return the telescope to you, as our former captain intended."

Michael is on the brink of tears. She swallows, then steps forward and pulls her friend into an embrace.

Eventually, they break apart, and Michael wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. "Saru, thank you. I never thought I'd hear you say any of that and mean it."

He nods. "You dying has put many things into perspective."

She hugs him again, and they're still hugging when Tilly returns. The ensign takes one look and says eagerly, "Friendship hug time! Can I join!"

Michael and Saru exchange looks that say, I don't see why not.

\----------------

The Red Angel wakes up, and asks to speak with Pike. Alone. Michael is furious, so furious that she raises her voice to her captain and Saru, so furious that she can't control herself and doesn't realize she can't control herself and so is confined to quarters. Do none of them understand? She is her  _mother._ Michael is literally the reason Dr. Burnham is here in the first place.

She wouldn't have felt guilty anyway, but she feels extra not guilty when she beams herself inside the containment field. "Mom."

Gabrielle stares at her. "You were dead. They let you die?"

And Michael is crying, and her mother is holding her, and for the first time she realizes the magnitude of what has happened to her.

Dr. Burnham whispers into her daughter's hair, "You need to stop thinking everything is your fault, baby girl."

Michael chuckles through her tears. "I know."

\----------------

It's a couple of weeks before Michael realizes what irks her about Pike, and it's really not anything he does; it's his subordinates' tendency to characterize him as the best of Starfleet, as if other exemplary officers can't even compare.

At least he takes it with humility and doesn't act condescending toward anyone. Of course, that's partly why he's considered the best; a self-fulfilling cycle. Michael presses the heels of her hands against her eyelids and sighs. Just once she would like someone who doesn't directly work with her to compliment her on the job, not just over chess or at a party.

Which is why, when Stamets makes an offhand remark about her calculations being spot-on and her being one of the quickest minds he's ever known, she tackles him in a bear hug. This lasts all of two seconds before she realizes what she's done and backs off.

Tilly and Stamets are wearing matching grins, and it's Stamets who says, "It's good to see you showing emotion, Michael."

Michael mumbles something and gets back to work, very grateful that her blush is all but invisible.

\----------------

Michael is sparring with a dummy early one morning when the door opens behind her. She keeps going and doesn't stop until she sees Georgiou walk around to the other side of the dummy.

Georgiou smirks. "Good morning, Michael."

"Morning," says Michael, wary.

"I find it much more invigorating to spar with a human partner. The dummies can be so . . . lifeless." Georgiou straps her right glove on. "I'm fresh, so it won't be a fair fight, but would you like to have a go?"

As predicted, Michael ends up on her back with Georgiou's forearm against her windpipe.

"Not bad," says her adversary, getting to her feet and extending a hand. After a second, Michael takes it and finds herself, quite suddenly, inches away from the former Terran emperor, who continues, more softly, "How are you feeling?"

Michael reels a little. She didn't think feelings were this captain's domain. "Uh . . . fine, I guess."

"Really." Georgiou is unstrapping her gloves; she's turned away, and now she turns her head back so she can see Michael. "Your martyr complex giving you any trouble?"

"It was getting a bit faulty, so I trashed the whole thing," Michael replies, tossing her gloves aside and starting for the door.

In the blink of an eye, she's pressed against the wall, firmly, but almost lovingly. "You're so glib about your feelings, when you talk about them," Georgiou hisses. "Maybe you should be more honest."

"You want honesty?" Michael whispers back. "All right, I'll give you honesty. I hate Spock. I hate him so much that I never want to see him again. The others I don't hate so much as I just don't care about them anymore. None of them. None of you just fucking pulled a phaser on Spock and stunned him!" She's breathing hard now. "And yes, I know it was my idea, and yes, it worked, but at what cost? I died, and part of me feels like I'm still dead."

"Yes." Georgiou's eyes are intent, her brow slightly furrowed. "You hurt yourself because pain is what you are used to, and you didn't notice the toll it was taking until it literally killed you."

Michael thought she'd cried her eyes out, but she was wrong.

\----------------

When she's called to Pike's ready room, her pulse pounds. When she arrives and finds Saru already there, her stomach drops. She greets him awkwardly, and he responds by hugging her.

Pike enters. "Commander Saru, Commander Burnham. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting." He gestures to the desk. "Shall we sit?"

Saru sits. There are only two chairs; Michael perches on an armrest.

Pike, having sat down, begins. "As I'll be returning to the Enterprise soon, I think it's time to discuss who the next captain will be." He looks at Michael, then at Saru. "I'm interested in your opinions."

"I recommend Commander Saru," says Michael as Saru says, "I recommend Commander Burnham."

Pike chuckles as Michael stares at Saru, who shifts uncomfortably.

"You're an excellent officer," he begins, but Michael shakes her head before turning her attention to Pike.

"With respect, sir, I believe that I am too emotionally compromised to run this vessel effectively. I would be a more appropriate First Officer if Saru vacates that position."

Pike stands. "He will not be vacating that position, Burnham. Admiral Cornwell is appointing you captain on the recommendation of myself and Commander Saru."

She's probably going to cry in front of them and ruin the effect. She does cry, and Saru hugs her, and Pike offers her a hug as well, and she whispers to Saru that she'll teach him everything Philippa taught her, and not everything is right with her world, but at least not everything is wrong.


End file.
